school's almost in....

the weather is starting to warm up a little...

a fren of mine says that heaven was mourning the loss of the lives in the tragic catastrophe... but i find it ironical that it was by no fault of man... and that we can only blame fate for the disaster...
somehow some ppl were destined to be victims... while others were destined to survive.... how then can heaven be mournful?
oh well... i've never been able to understand the whole idea behind life and death... life: that we are put here for a purpose and that we are instrumental in the greater good.... death: our time's up... i just can't comprehend 150,000 ppl expiring at the same time... its too bizzarre... fate? or just science? death as determined by a greater being or merely being at the wrong place at the wrong time... who knows....

anyway.. i digress....
spent the day shuttling an APPLICATION form from the DEPARTMENT office... to the DEAN's office.. then to the OFFICE of STUDENT AFFAIRs... not an eventful day... but well.. at least i can check that off my list...

it's down to a mere number of days before semester 2 starts... and i can't help but feel sad that my mundane existence will soon be filled with deadlines, assignments.. and much dreaded responsibility... and this thought scares me because i realise that i have degenerated into an empty shell... (but a gym fit shell...) =P

as i was talking to the beach babe the other day... (she returned from phuket safe and sound... altho a bit shaken by the whole incident..) and she was telling me all the PLANS that she has... how she intend to contribute to the society by volunteering.. and all the things that she wants to acomplish before its too late for her to do anything...

and the difference between the two of us was that... while her existence defined by the TASKS that she wants to DO before she goes... i am generally very happy to just go... (go=depart from the face of this earth...) not that i would wanna leave immediately... i just felt that maybe if i live past the age of 60... then should i be washed away by the waves while sun tanning on the beach really wouldn't matter.... and it's not because i hv fulfilled my purpose in life.. but simply becuase i wld have lived long enough... sad isn't it....

i cannot be certain when my attitude towards life took such a drastic turn...

maybe i am experiencing somewhat of a burnout... caring too much has yielded so little in return... while mindless existence minimizes disappointment... perhaps this is only a period of RECOVERY... and i believe that everyone goes thru that... that moment in your life when everything around you seems to come to a standstill... and u just ask urself... WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? this moment isn't a split second... it could last pretty long... coz we get distracted... so while everything else is in a standstill... we occupy ourselves with HIGHLIGHTS.... short lived joy...

i think i am in that moment... asking that question of whether it is all worth it... what's all this for... and while waiting for an answer to appear... i'm drifting along... waiting for the next event... next important date.. next assignment.... contented to just be drifting along... and it scares me... (well, only when i consciously think about it anyway...)

maybe it's time to stop asking questions... and just LIVE life by doing what you feel is rite... what you want to achieve... what you want to do for yourself, your family, your frens... but i would start with YOURSELF....

*funny how i've procrastinated yet again... spent 5 1/2 weeks drifting.. and leave the last 4 days to figure out my purpose in life... oh well...